Hi, me again.

Hi, mental break down. Again.

Soooo the whole 'live with 13 people and you'll be happy!' thing turned into a load of bullshit. The only one who can stand me is one of my roommates, and it's probably going to get awkward fast because he knows I like him. Fuck me and my liking guys wayyy out of my league... I wish I wouldn't have told him my about my home life, I shouldn't have let him get that close to me.

He was talking about how he's giving up things for lent... so I'm going to take shit to the extreme.

No facebook, no alcohol, no sex, no food. For 40 days.

I bought myself a little something (ummmm a vibrator :P), it should get here around my birthday on Saturday. I needed something to get over the no sex part of the 40 days.

No alchy will be hard... I'm turning into an alcoholic like my parents, I drink soooo fucking much. And my bday is this Saturday. This is gonna be a fucking challenge.

Facebook won't be so hard, I think. I'm on it all the time but I don't need to be.

No food... well I've never got to 40 days before. I've done 5. But I wonder, if I really really really want this... and this time I've alienated myself from my friends and roommates so hopefully I won't have to be the dumbass and follow them around and eat with them. 40 days though...

I'm getting my license and a car, I've saved up enough for it, I just have to go through the motions to get everything in place. And then I'll have cut the last thing I need from anyone else out of my life. And I can go to the gym and work my fat ass out. I hate how my clothes are getting tighter... I'm already a fucking size 12...

I've set a budget, $57 a week not including food. But now that hopefully food isn't a factor that can go up. But we'll have to see.

Work was great but it's getting monotonous. I applied for a translation job over this semester, which will result in a summer internship doing something with turbofans and computer input. Not my major (materials engineering) at all, but sounds like fun.

I'll probably co-op over the fall too if I can. I love this making money shit.

I'm so sick of being the one no one likes. I'm so sick of being fat. I say that all the time and never do anything to change it.

To all who saw my last post, I'm really sorry.

Since that post I've been generally eating normal, going out with my roommates and co-op friends, drinking, all that kind of stuff.

Then I found out what a truly terrible and horrendous person I am. And I didn't even fucking know it.

That guy I slept with had been acting really weird around me, which I figured was just because we slept together and he was worried he would be known as 'the one who slept with the fat one.' Turns out, he considers it rape. He said (not to me but to most of the rest of the houses, from what I heard) that because I'm older and remember more of what happened than he did that I took advantage of the situation.

He didn't even remember that we'd had sex. He thought we just messed around. Granted, the sex was only 5 minutes or so and neither of us finished, that wasn't until much later cuz we just went back to messing around stuff, but it definitely happened.

At first I was mad at him, because I was like, we were both shitfaced, I don't remember all that much more than you, it was even at your place, which you took me back to! How can you say I raped you?? But ... Well, I am older. I'm gonna be 22 in about a month, and he's only 19. Plus, I helped make the jungle juice that got both of us so fucked up. I was starting to feel a bit guilty about it...

Then last night he dropped a bomb shell. HE WAS A FUCKING VIRGIN.

I stole someone's virginity. My first time having sex 2 years ago was wonderful. The guy was sweet and kind, we were both completely sober and I really really liked him and trusted him. I'll remember that night for the rest of my life.

This guy, he doesn't remember it at all. I robbed him of something incredibly special. I took something I used to hold so dear to my heart, I took something I would honestly give everything to get back myself. And why? Cuz I was fucking drunk and horny?? How the fuck could I do something like that to someone?? I'm such a fucking horrible person.

He says it's ok, I asked if he wanted to talk about it, I tried to tell him it was very breif, I told him to still consider himself a virgin, I tried to tell him it was ok. I don't know what he feels. I'm sure he's still upset. I would be. I'm so sorry. I'm just so fucking sorry. Sorry doesn't even fucking matter at this point though does it? I've fucked up his life. Fucking bullshit. I'm so fucking terrible.

I cleaned my house's kitchen for like 2 hours today. I wanted to make it perfect. I couldn't even do that right. I kept hearing in my head, it's imperfect, just like you. You can't make it perfect, just like you can't make yourself perfect.

I want to turn back to pro-ana again, but God that was an intense break down. I really wanted to fucking kill myself. And the guilt I have over stealing an innocent person's virginity is certainly going to hurt my mental state.

I've been talking to 2 of my ex girlfriends recently. I miss relationships so much I want to get back with either one of them sometimes. But when I'm actually talking to them it's like, I know I'm not attracted to females beyond random play, and that's really only when I'm drunk. I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to randomly crave weed, which is strange because I've only smoked twice, the first time I didn't get high but I got very paranoid about my lungs closing up because I was having trouble breathing, and the second time I was so drunk I don't know what the weed did to me. For some reason though I really fucking want it. I also wanna do hookah really bad, which I only ever did at my friend's house and didn't really like it either. I've started smoking regular cigarettes I guess. I smoked two today on a walk. I hate the smell. I hate cigarettes. I don't know why I want this stuff.

It's past midnight and I have to get up at 5 to get ready for work. Even though I love my job this is gonna suck ...